Caregivers advised to step away before conflict escalates

Family members and professional caregivers who assist loved ones with daily needs often face tense interactions that can strain relationships. A panel of experts from the Aging Untold program offered specific strategies for managing these moments without losing composure or damaging the trust between the caregiver and the care recipient.

The primary advice centers on physical awareness. Katherine Ambrose, an aging well coach, told the audience to watch for specific bodily cues. If a caregiver feels hot, shaky, or notices a tight jaw, that is a signal that the nervous system is reaching its limit. At that point, Ambrose said the caregiver should remove themselves from the room or call for help.

"You have to step away. You really do," said Sam Cradduck, a gerontologist. "You’ve got to let yourself calm down." Cradduck emphasized that leaving the situation is a practical move to prevent a minor disagreement from becoming a loud argument.

Experts also urged caregivers to view the behavior of the person receiving care as a form of communication rather than a personal attack. Cradduck noted that frustration often stems from unspoken expectations. When a caregiver expects a certain outcome without stating it clearly, resentment can build. "You expecting something from somebody oftentimes turns into spoken resentment," Cradduck said. "So then, you’re frustrated and you’re yelling and they have no idea." This dynamic can occur even when the person receiving care is fully cognitively capable.

Word choice plays a major role in how a conversation unfolds. Amy O’Rourke, an aging expert, listed specific words that tend to raise tension. These include no, you, always, never, do not, and you cannot. Cradduck added that tone matters as much as the vocabulary used. "It’s not just what you say, it’s how you say it," Cradduck said. Ambrose agreed, noting that miscommunication is the root cause of most conflicts in these situations.

O’Rourke shared an anecdote about visiting her father in a nursing home. He was upset about a missing wheelchair key, and staff members were frustrated with his reaction. O’Rourke solved the problem by finding a key that worked on the chair’s armrest. Despite her training, her heart rate increased during the interaction. "But then I realized, I don’t have to be right," O’Rourke said. "I can let go and be with him where he is." Dr. Rhea Rogers, a board-certified physician, explained that when communication breaks down, people begin to second-guess themselves, which can lead to anger.

The panel also discussed the role of internal dialogue. Ambrose observed that caregivers often post negative comments in online support groups. While this venting can be draining, Cradduck said it serves a useful purpose by allowing caregivers to release frustration in a safe space before entering a room with the person they care for. Negative thoughts, such as believing someone never listens, often lead to hurtful words if not addressed.

Finally, experts warned against trying to control the outcome of every conversation. O’Rourke advised caregivers to enter interactions with the goal of building a connection rather than achieving a specific result. Cradduck cautioned against treating adults like children, a dynamic she said creates conflict. The caregiver must remain the calm party in the exchange, even when the situation is difficult.

The experts concluded by suggesting caregivers let go of old relationship dynamics. By choosing their own role in the interaction, they can reclaim a sense of agency. This approach aims to de-escalate tension and reduce the risk of burnout for those providing care.